Comics and Jokes

 

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Jokes below.

I can't say they are all clean. Read at your own risk.

 

Special feature  "Dating My Daughter"

 

  

01-31-1999

There was this man, and he decides to go ice fishing. So he gathers his things, gets on the ice, sets up his tent, and starts drilling a hole. All of a sudden, he hears a voice from above saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!"

He gets a little worried, so he moves back a little, sets up his tent, and again he starts to drill a hole, when he hears the voice again, "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!"

So he's kind of scared now, and decides to move back a little farther. He sets up his tent, and starts to drill a hole, when he hears it AGAIN! "THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER, THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!"

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Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water.

In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package.

It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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11-19-1998

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much

like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE.

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It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

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This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand in.

She replies "No Thanks, I don't want to smoke now."

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10-04-98

Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?"

The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?"

The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician."

And the other said, "Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

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My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.

Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement.

And now, you come home drunk!"

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A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "I am only going to sunbathe."

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!

Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

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9-25-98

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.

As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"

"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

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There once was a boy who went to school. On his first day of school he heard the word asshole. He went to his dad and asked "What's an asshole?"

His father answered "It's the priest son."

Then his mom was preparing food and the boy heard his mom say shit, he asked "Mom what's shit?"

His mom answered "It's food son."

Then his parents were changing their clothes because the priest was coming for dinner that night. The boy heard his dad say 'fuck'. He asked "What's fuck?"

His dad answered "It's changing son."

Then the boy heard the doorbell ring. It was the priest. The boy answered and said "Hi asshole, the shit is on the table, mom and dad are upstairs fucking!"

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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was up. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.

The teacher had him go down to the principal's office, to phone his Mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He did this and returned to the class, sat down in his seat and suddenly, there was a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down the aisle she went, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your Mom," she said. "I did," he replied, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

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A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant.

Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there".

Teacher Joke

The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."

"The artwork," says Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Her tits!" says Peter.

"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust.

"And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

 

It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

 

 

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded,

"Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarassed.

"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."

8-8-98

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

 

 

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

 

One beautiful Sunday morning, a Minister announced to his congregation "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1,000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

 

 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster "Ok, old fellow its time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens...look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon...just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over."

So, the old rooster says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what young fellow. I'll have a race with you around the farm house. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair I'm going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house , get a chicken to cluck "GO" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!

He blows the young rooster to bits.

He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

 

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

 

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look long."

 

The Jar

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked!!

You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep, but no matter what we tried......we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

 

Tickets Only:

An exhibitionist named Joe, was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.

As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes.

As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

"I'm sorry sir," she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

 

THE ISRAELI TAXI:

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a
red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through
without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything
feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves.

The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the
light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the
vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to
the driver: "Listen", he says,"when you went
through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in G-d's name, are
you stopping at a green light?"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you
meshuggah (crazy)?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want
to get us killed?"

 

Southern Charm:

A brunette from the South and a blonde from the North were seated side
by side on a plane.

The girl from the South being friendly said "where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, " From a place where they don't use a
preposition at the end of a sentence."


The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied
"So where ya'll from, Bitch?"

 

Uncle Ted:

One day at a rural elementary school, the teacher had each member of the
class tell a tale and then state the moral of the story.

First up was Suzy. "My father owns a farm, and every week we put the eggs in a basket to take to
market," she said. "But one day we hit a bump, and the eggs flew out of the basket and smashed on the road. The moral of the story is: don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next was Laurie. "My dad owns a farm too," she said. "One day we put 12 eggs into an incubator, but only eight hatched. The moral of the story is: don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last was Billy. "My uncle Ted's plane was shot down in the war, and he parachuted to a remote island with nothing but a flask of medicinal whiskey," the boy said. "Surrounded by a dozen hostiles, he drank the whiskey, then killed all 12 with his bare hands."

"That's some story," the teacher said. "But what is the moral?"

"The moral," Billy said, "is don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

 

 

 

 

 


For those of you with daughters and grand daughters:

Dating My Daughter

 

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight   The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.)   I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. 

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?